It’s hot outside. We’ve seen many days of record heat across the globe this year, and there are more to come. It’s also metaphorically hot. People are angry – some righteously so at injustice, genocide, oppression – and some because people they don’t like are seeking rights, seeking to be heard, seeking safety. At FORGE we’ve been doing a lot of work around the rise in anti-trans hate. Though hate and state sanctioned violence are not new, this level of violence and threats to democracy are new for many of us.
At the same time, there’s also a beautiful rise in celebrations of joy, rest, care, and compassion. “Rest is resistance,” proclaims Tricia Hersey. Many trans organizations have led campaigns highlighting trans joy (FORGE included). Jokes about “moss girl summer,” memes about leaving work forever to live in a forest, and brilliant organizing around disability justice abound.
Many of us want to live our fullest, brightest, sweatiest lives, but are working through very real threats to our safety and our communities. Combining all of this, with the knowledge that trauma can really impact our ability to assess danger/risk/safety – either by making us think situations are safe that aren’t or by making us think that everything is dangerous – I wonder, how do we thoughtfully assess risk and plan for our safety?
Humans are both notoriously bad at assessing risk and the best experts in their own lives. It’s sort of fascinating to think about how we are such complicated creatures. For example, many people have a difficult time fully understanding the dangers of climate change – though they are very real and already happening to a lot of people. (It’s interesting to dig deeper into this data – people seeing the acute effects of climate change are more concerned. There’s also evidence that suggests people who have more faith in hierarchy and technology to solve problems are less concerned.)
At the same time, as individuals, we often have a reasonably good assessment of what might happen in a specific situation and with people that we know well. I spent many years as a domestic violence advocate and we talked a lot about how survivors are the best experts in how dangerous an abuser might be. Survivors can often recognize threats that other people don’t see, because they know the perpetrator and they know themselves. The same is true in stalking and other forms of violence. It’s always imperative that advocates listen to and believe survivors about their experience.
That advice is great for advocates, for professionals, and for loved ones. But what about for survivors? How many of us have thought, “this person will never hurt me,” only to have that person hurt us? The violence is not our fault at all. Sometimes we may have perceived the danger, but not felt ready to admit to it, other times it surprises us. Learning some signs of danger can be really helpful. Unfortunately, there’s no hurricane warning system for interpersonal violence.
Without that warning system, we rely on our own assessment of the situation, plus research on intimate partner violence and other types of harm. This research says that in abusive relationships:
- If guns are present, the danger increases, because guns cause a lot of harm if used.
- Stress in abusers’ lives can increase their violence – things like unemployment, being intoxicated, etc. This does not mean it’s the survivor’s responsibility to remove stress from their life!
- Abusers often escalate violence when a survivor is seeking independence. Leaving is dangerous. The time after leaving is dangerous. Other things like getting a new job or getting into school, asking for help, spending more time away from home, can all also be perceived as independence.
- Abuse often escalates during pregnancy.
- Non-consensual strangulation is very dangerous – it’s likely to happen more than once and can very easily be deadly.
Other things that can be warning signs or risks of escalating violence
- Unwillingness to accept no as an answer; if someone gets defensive or angry if they are corrected or told no
- Police presence
- Weapons present
- Heat – people are quicker to anger in the summer
We recently did a study with trans/nonbinary people. One question asked what people did to feel safer, and the two most common responses were: avoid eye contact/be less aware of my surroundings and increase my vigilance. And let me tell you, that was relatable. Almost all the trans people I know fit into one of those categories.
I clearly remember a time my friends got so mad at some people in a parking lot who were making fun of me. I had walked right by them without seeing or noticing. I was protecting myself from the emotional impact of seeing harassment, but I realized I was not as aware as I could be of possible physical danger because of this strategy. Many people I know who are very vigilant feel exhausted and anxious, which is understandable – it is exhausting to constantly be checking out our surroundings and watching for danger.
Sometimes, these responses aren’t even a choice. They come from deeply embedded trauma responses. We may be able to change them over time, with work.
So, what do we do?
We can learn about warning signs or risks. We can put these into perspective. For example – we know that police almost always escalate situations. We also know that police are way more dangerous for Black and Brown people than for white people. So as a white person, I’m going to be way more careful about not getting pulled over when I’m driving with a friend who is Black, even though I’m always fairly careful because being trans around police is not great either.
With intimate partner violence, unfortunately most of the academic research has been conducted on relationships where men are the aggressor and women are the victim. However, getting to know some of these risk indicators can be helpful for trans folks still. Another example, bringing this back to summertime – we might learn about the signs of overheating. Learning signs that a situation is escalating (whether it’s related to our physical health or someone else’s violence) can help us make decisions about when to get out of there.
We can talk to others. Sometimes thinking with others about risks can help us to sort through things. Perhaps we can get affirmation that something does indeed sound safe or unsafe, or we can get ideas of what to watch out for, or we may get a different perspective. Different perspectives can be especially helpful when they come from people who value our lives and experience. I’m more likely to trust a friend who understands some of what it means to be trans and disabled to help me think through a situation than I am to trust someone who has been dismissive of my identity.
Part of the conversation might be about what level of risk is tolerable for you. Every time I swim in the ocean, I risk a jellyfish sting. That risk is totally tolerable for me. If I see jellyfish everywhere, that risk stops being tolerable to me, because it’s a way higher risk now. Perhaps you want to attend a protest against genocide. You may decide to leave if the police presence gets to a certain point. Or you may know that your body gets exhausted easily, so identify a warning sign that is your signal to get some rest.
We can plan ahead. I think a lot about how we prepare ourselves in case of a natural disaster. Many of us probably practiced fire drills at school or maybe we have a go-bag in case of fire or flood. Planning and preparation can help us feel calmer in a crisis. FORGE has also been hosting empowerment self-defense classes, in which we practice setting boundaries as well as physical self-defense maneuvers. Any of these steps can be part of planning ahead.
For survivors in violent relationships, many of these plans are kept fairly secret, because as mentioned above, the abuser may escalate violence if they know the survivor might leave. Plans might include who to tell, having a code word for emergencies, how to get to a safer physical space in case of violence, or how to save money of your own.
We can learn about our own trauma responses. I’m pretty good in a crisis, in my opinion, but I’m prone to freezing as my go to of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn options. I know that I also move slowly, and often take my time thinking and forming words. I am more likely to avoid thinking about risks I’m in. Knowing this, I may want to work on assessing my surroundings and taking more time to think things through. Perhaps you’re like me. Perhaps though you can’t relate to any of that – maybe you are ready to fight anyone who messes with you or maybe you never go anywhere because of the danger. Taking time to pay attention to what happens in our brains and bodies can give us clues about what, if anything, we want to do differently.
You may see danger everywhere because it is everywhere. I wear a mask indoors except at my house and with a couple friends who have tested for COVID. The CDC would tell me I’m overly cautious. I would tell the CDC to eff off. Just because other people make different choices doesn’t mean you are wrong. However, if your level of vigilance is causing distress, it may be helpful to find tools that can lower your anxiety, ground you, or otherwise help you process information and risk and navigate it with less distress.
Risk is everywhere. By taking care of ourselves and each other, we can find ways to navigate this world without being overwhelmed by fear. And we can find ways to ask for support when we are overwhelmed by fear.