I’ve been writing versions of this over and over for months. To face the many challenges in our world today: climate disasters, violence, fascism, scarcity, and more, we are called to embrace community and connection. Mutual aid asks us to get to know the people around us and to look out for each other – to offer what we can and to receive what we need. Community building requires that we have some level of skill in addressing conflict and in handling feedback.
Fighting fascism wasn’t on the top of my mind the other week when I watched a young kid try to assert a boundary. They wanted to do something without help; something they could safely do. An adult wouldn’t let go of them; not listening to the child’s insistent no. I felt so viscerally upset. I wanted to scream and to recoil, like the child was doing. I wanted to push the adult away, and I remembered many times in my life when I have and haven’t been able to do just that. When the adult was finally told (after like a minute), that the kid was okay on their own, the adult told the kid – “well, I have to keep you safe.”
For many people, it was probably a normal interaction. Kids are always trying to figure out what they can do independently, and adults are always navigating how much independence is safe for them. And some adults are more attentive and better attuned to the autonomy of kids and to their right to say no to any kind of touch.
I had been helping the kid earlier. I had also navigated knowing when was safe to let go; how to safely let go, to be not too close, but close enough. I tried to understand where the adult was coming from, but watching the scenario was upsetting.
There are so many things these small interactions make me think about. About how we make mistakes; how we navigate caring for each other; what we do when the ways that we want to show care don’t align with how someone wants to receive care; how we figure out whether we are showing care or trying to be in control. All of these things stand out critically to me these days, as the calls to build community and take care of each other become more urgent. We need to show care in ways that are wanted and needed by those we show up for/with.
Navigating Care
As many people who are trans or have chronic illnesses know, the ways that people offer to help out aren’t always actually helpful. People bring over food you can’t eat; ask to buy you groceries then you spend all your energy making lists and talking them through it; people start fights with someone for misgendering you and then you are stuck repairing the relationships. These missteps can range anywhere from mildly frustrating to potentially dangerous.
I have found it so important and helpful to remember that everyone offers care in the ways that they are able to offer it. Not everyone can afford to buy you dinner or show up in person to walk your dog. People live in houses that aren’t accessible to you, so they can’t offer you a place to sleep. So they do something else instead. There can be something wonderful about people showing up in unexpected ways that fit the capacity of that person to show care, even when they are not necessarily the ways you would have asked for care.
These two truths don’t contradict each other, but sometimes they feel like they do. If we are the one receiving support, we get to say no. We get to say not like that. If we are the ones giving support, we get to say, this is what I have to offer. We get to accept when someone tells us no or not like that.
In Asking for Help I discussed some of the ways I’ve navigated figuring out what I need and how to ask for it. I’ve also had to put a lot of practice into finding ways to say, “Thank you, but no, that would not be helpful.” That gets easier to say the more I say it. It also gets easier when I have a good relationship with someone – when we have shown up for each other before, and I know that they generally react well to being told no.
In life though, we are not just the ones who are getting care. We are also the ones showing care for others. Whether it’s through formal systems of volunteering or mutual aid or through informal networks of friends – sending check-in texts, helping with dishes, sharing information – we have a responsibility to listen to and be responsive to what other people need and want. If someone tells us, “no, not like that” – are we able to take that feedback? Are we able to shift our actions without hating ourselves? Many of us, due to all the pressures of life, due to trauma, struggle with this.
What are our motivations?
One place I find helpful to start is by thinking about where our care comes from. There are times when care gets tangled up in a desire to control, maybe one we don’t fully recognize. Maybe controlling our surroundings helps us feel safer. Maybe we think we’re right. Maybe we don’t even realize we’re doing it, but we try to fit other people into what we think we need. (…and as I dig into this I want to be clear that I am not talking about abusive relationships. I’m not talking about control that comes with threats and violence.)
Here’s an example: I pester a friend constantly to drink water. Sometimes that’s welcome, and sometimes it’s not. I think I’m right about how staying hydrated is good for them, but that doesn’t always mean that my advice is welcome or viewed as caring.
There’s also how I treated my parents early in the pandemic. I lectured; I bossed; I bugged; I snarked. I tried to listen but really only for a minute or two before I went back to all of the above. This was difficult for everyone involved. I had little to no impact on their behavior and felt annoyed. They also felt annoyed and were less likely to ask me questions or come to me for support around pandemic safety, because I was being so judgmental. (check out blog for covid safety discussions).
In close relationships or in caregiver type relationships, money can be another area where care and control get tangled up. When we share finances with others, what we do with money impacts those people. Many of us have lots of strong opinions about the right way to deal with money, the right way to talk or not talk about money, and the right way to share finances with others. Some of these values come from caring deeply about the well-being of others, some come from fear and insecurity related to money, some come from a need to control our surroundings, especially when so many things (like the economy) feel out of control. Each of these motivations may manifest in actions that can be consensual or controlling or even abusive.
As another example, someone I know is dealing with health stuff. I struggle not to tell him what to do. In my head, I have good ideas, because there may be some overlap in our health stuff AND I have good ideas because I think that I have a good analysis of disability justice and anti-capitalism, which I believe are helpful in this situation. But when I tell him what to do, I am not listening to what he wants and needs. Instead, I’m getting my needs met. I want his health to improve. I want that because I care, but it isn’t care to try to get my way.
By looking at both our intent and our impact, I think we can start to sort out whether the way we are showing care for someone else is actually helpful.
Sometimes we tell our partners what to do. Sometimes instead of setting boundaries, we try to control other people. Sometimes we judge and act like crap.
Note: Boundaries are how we’ll respond to other people’s behavior, not controlling how others behave. For example, “it’s important to me that we have special time together” is very different from “you must not spend time with other people.” For more on boundaries, check out these tools from Love Is Respect for relationships https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/respecting-your-partners-boundaries/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
And this article on boundaries in friendships: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-7503205
Taking feedback
What can we do when we learn that the ways we are trying to show up aren’t what people need? We have choices – we can double down and assert that we are right. We can get angry at ourselves. We can run away. We can ignore it. Or we can apologize and learn. We can try to show care differently. Sure, when I put it that way, it sounds like there’s a clear right answer, but it’s much more difficult in the moment!
When the child I talked about was crying – to recognize what that crying could mean involves being grounded enough to listen to someone else and to really value a young child’s sense of autonomy. When I’m giving unwanted medical advice, I need to be able to calm my nervous system enough to let go of my goals and to take in the impact that I am having on my friend. Sometimes that doesn’t happen in the moment, and I may need to come back later to acknowledge what I did.
Feedback can come in multiple forms – I have gotten direct feedback (“Hey, that’s not helpful.”), and indirect feedback (a change in facial expression or conversation tone that indicates something is weird, or me feeling tense and upset after a conversation). After noticing that there may be a problem, we can check in with ourselves – How did that interaction go? What were our motivations? Did they align with the impact we had? How can we learn more?
From there we can open up conversations with the other people involved in the situation; we can look for external feedback or someone who can help us process and be responsible for our actions; and we can seek out information about how to change our behavior in the future.
Many of us find it hard to be told that we messed up or caused someone pain. This can really challenge our sense of ourself as a kind or caring person. Most people taking the time to read this probably don’t want to hurt most other people. Sometimes we get stuck in feeling like we must defend our idea of ourselves rather than listen to feedback. This might look like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you!” or “I put so much work into making this for you, why don’t you appreciate it?”
One way to help with that is to carry the thought out, internally. Figure out for yourself what comes after the initial reaction. For example, I’ve had all of these thoughts:
- “I didn’t want to hurt you…. But you are saying that I did so you must be lying, because I can’t accept a world in which I hurt you.”
- “I didn’t mean to hurt you…. But you are saying that I did. I must be a terrible person because I caused you pain.”
- “I didn’t mean to hurt you… but I did. I don’t want to hurt people. How can I avoid that in the future.”
The first thought puts me in opposition to the person giving me feedback. The second thought leads to me hating myself. The third one opens up the possibility of increased connection and accountability.
Building communities of care
Community and relationships are important parts of our lives. Whether it’s friends who help us laugh or process our feelings, dates/partners for romantic or sexual intimacy, caregivers, farmers, grocery store workers, or all the others who help us meet our needs – we need other people. Connection can be healing from trauma. Connection can help keep us safer. There are many things we can do to help connect with others, and showing care is just one of them.
In order to show care, it’s important to know that our good intentions do not always equal a good impact. It’s important to know that we are capable of healing and of changing our behavior. We have the right to set boundaries and the responsibility to respect the boundaries of others, especially when it comes to how we show care for each other. When we do this, we are part of creating a safer world for all us, including the kid I mentioned at the beginning.