“Ugh, Jay left their dishes in the sink again,” my housemate said to me. I am not Jay. I am not, nor have I ever been responsible for Jay’s behavior. Yet the first thing that my brain says to me is, “Wow, you fucked up again. This is all your fault. What’s wrong with you?”
Ouch, right? Fifteen years later, I can laugh at how outlandish it was for my brain to treat me that way. Fifteen years later, I also sometimes still think that way.
Living with other people can be hard. Many trans/nonbinary people are living with some form of trauma and/or neurodiversity and/or disability and/or any number of other things that can make relationships more complicated to navigate.
At the same time, trans/nonbinary people on average make less money than cisgender people and housing costs are out of control in the US. That leads to many of us living with housemates or roommates. Sometimes these are people we are close with, sometimes they are acquaintances or strangers, and sometimes they are people exploiting or harming us.
In this post, we’ll explore a few of the ways that trauma can show up in housemate relationships.
Communication on tough topics
Communicating with people we live with is pretty much unavoidable. Not only do we communicate about mundane things, but we often must navigate topics that can be more difficult to discuss. These include money, cleanliness, boundaries, needs, and health.
Trauma can impact how we communicate. Trauma often impacts how we trust others – often leading to trusting much more easily or much less easily than we would have otherwise. It also impacts how we recognize threats – again, often leading to extremes – either perceiving everything as a threat or struggling to recognize any threats. Both of these things combined mean that we might struggle to address topics that feel difficult to us. We might:
- Think people are always angry at us
- Be defensive and lash out to protect ourselves
- Get overwhelmed when addressing topics that feel difficult
- Go numb, dissociate, or otherwise shut down when trying to share
- Perceive others as always lying or manipulating us
- Perceive others as always honest and safe
Tony shares a house with three other people. They share food and household supply expenses. Recently, Tony has had some unexpected expenses and is struggling to afford his previous household commitments.
Tony was previously in an abusive relationship. His ex always insulted him, telling him he was stupid and bad with money. His family never talked about money either. He avoids bringing up financial issues with roommates, instead skipping car repairs and doctor appointments to save up money. When his car breaks down on the way to work one day, he shuts down. He isn’t able to call anyone for help or even let his work know he’ll be late.
Navigating conflict
Trauma can not only lead us to see conflict in places where it doesn’t exist, but it can also make it much harder to deal with conflict in helpful ways. We may avoid conflict, even to our own detriment, or we may leap into it.
Some people will encourage conflicts to surface as a way to control when and how the conflict happens. This might mean purposefully annoying someone, yelling at them, or struggling to have problem-solving conversations.
It is completely normal to have disagreements and frustrations with people we live with. Whether they are our favorite people in the world or total strangers – people are different, with unique needs and quirks. Unaddressed conflicts may grow into something unmanageable or can lead to someone hiding their needs. Small conflicts, without thoughtful communication, can escalate into bigger conflicts.
Trauma can lead to:
- Seeing all conflict as a personal attack or threat
- Believing that our mistakes or differences make us bad people
- Instigating conflict so that we can control when people leave us
- Deferring to others to avoid conflict
- Ignoring our own needs and boundaries
- Believing others are bad people because of the things they do that upset us
Tami and her roommate, Beth, share a one bedroom apartment. Beth recently said she could tell Tami was raised a boy because she’s so messy. Tami was really hurt, but she is afraid to tell that to Beth. Instead, she thinks that maybe Beth is right.
Tami has been spiraling, feeling that she is unlovable and questioning her legitimacy as a trans woman. She has also started to resent her roommate, yet Tami is still trying to be nice so that Beth will like her.
Tami has been avoiding the house, and when she is home, spends all her time on chores or being as unobtrusive as possible. This is disrupting Tami’s sleep and work schedules. Beth has asked several times if something is wrong, and Tami just says no.
Sharing responsibilities/chores
Almost always, when living with others, we have to figure out how to share responsibilities and chores. This includes cleaning, paying bills, contacting the landlord, and more. Some people share a lot of responsibilities – taking turns cooking for each other, maintaining a garden, caring for a child or pet. Some people keep very separate lives.
Splitting responsibilities requires that we know what we can do, what we want to do, and that we can communicate that to others. If you’re splitting chores, it might be helpful to know that you hate taking out the trash or that you procrastinate a lot, so maybe you shouldn’t have time-sensitive tasks.
Trauma can really impact our ability to know ourselves – what we like and dislike, and even what we can and can’t do. Perhaps an abusive parent made us feel that we weren’t capable of anything, and now all tasks feel overwhelming. Perhaps we experienced neglect and have had to always be responsible for everything. It might be hard to let other people be in charge of certain chores – especially if they do them differently than we would.
Living with others might mean that we may have to let go of some control or learn how to assert our needs – and figure out which of those things is needed when! It’s a lot.
Mayo is excited to live with their best friends and adopt a dog together. Mayo grew up on a farm with dogs that did their own thing all day. Their bestie Janice grew up in a city with a dog that needed a lot of attention. The two of them didn’t discuss this before agreeing that Mayo would take care of the dog during the day, since they worked from home.
Janice has been annoyed to find out that Mayo isn’t walking the dog or doing any training with her. When Janice brings up concerns, Mayo is reminded of the way their dad used to criticize everything they did. Mayo gets mad and tells Janice that they’re controlling and manipulative. The two aren’t able to get any further in the conversation, and their other housemates don’t know what to do.
What can we do about it?
In each of these scenarios, relationships have been challenged by the impact of trauma.
- Pay attention to our thoughts and feelings
- Learn about the impacts of trauma – on ourselves and others
- Consider what helps us to recognize and communicate our needs
- Identify practices that help us feel safer in connection with others
- Discuss with the people we live with what everyone needs for effective communication
- Share our boundaries and needs
- Listen to and respect the boundaries of others
Let’s look at the situations above again.
Tony (who shuts down around conversations about money) realized that he needed help. He told his therapist about what was happening. Together, they practiced some strategies for noticing when Tony was dissociating and how to help come back to the present. Next, Tony wrote an email to his roommates about the situation. In it, he also told them that he really struggled to talk about money, that’s why he was writing. The email opened up conversations which allowed the group to reassess their shared spending.
Tami (who is avoiding her roommate) fell asleep at work, a clear result of avoiding sleeping at and being at her house. She realized that something needed to change. She asked her roommate to talk. She started by saying that conflict was really hard, that she might cry or stop talking for a bit, and probably would look away. Her roommate said that was helpful to know.
It took a long time, but Tami was able to explain what had originally upset her. Her roommate barely even remembered making the comment and sincerely apologized. Tami slept for 15 hours after their conversation.
Tami still doubts herself and finds herself trying to please her roommate, but she is noticing more often when she is doing things she doesn’t want to do. Tami has started slowly trying to take care of herself and remind herself that she is loveable. The two of them decided to set up weekly check-ins for the next couple of months.
Mayo and Janice’s other housemates set up a house meeting. Together the others expressed concerns about the dynamics between the two of them, saying that they noticed they’d been upset with each other.
With the housemates’ help, Janice and Mayo were able to listen to each other’s experiences more fully. Mayo noticed that other people did not think Janice was being manipulative. This led Mayo to reassess their own views. Though they still didn’t like how Janice had talked to them, they started to recognize that Janice had the right to assert her opinions, just as Mayo did. Over several discussions, the two learned more about how to co-raise a dog together and how to communicate. They came up with a code word for when one of them was feeling upset – Glitter Party – which helped them both take breaks as conflicts rose up.
In each situation, each person involved took time and energy to assess their own needs, the impact of past experiences, and their communication styles. They shared with each other, got help from others, and made changes. It was hard work, often exhausting or emotional, but they were able to figure out next steps.
In my case, with the story at the beginning about the dishes: that moment was one of many meltdowns I was having internally. I appreciate how clear it was to me that I was blaming myself for something out of my control. I grew to accept that I needed to find a way to live by myself for a while. With everything in my life at the time, I couldn’t do the work I knew I needed to do in order to happily live with others.
It was a heartbreaking decision to move away from my best friends, but it made a huge difference to my emotional well-being. Sometimes the solution is to not live together, or not live together right then.
What about abuse?
In all of the situations above, there was not abuse. No one was exerting power and control over others, using violence or threats, or intentionally harming – physically or emotionally – their housemates.
Unfortunately, a lot of people do experience abuse from people they live with – housemates, partners, relatives. Our skills in communication, addressing our own trauma responses, and setting boundaries do not stop someone else from being abusive. The person responsible for abuse is the person doing the abusive behavior.
Sometimes it can be difficult to assess whether a situation is abusive or not. Trauma responses, communication styles, and many other factors can contribute to how we process interactions. Sometimes we will never know someone else’s intent, and often the impact of their actions is more important than the intent. If you feel like abusive dynamics are happening, but aren’t sure, here are a few options:
- Share your experiences with others and get their opinions.
- Pay attention to how the other person responds to feedback or to you setting boundaries.
- If you feel like you can’t ever do anything right, write down or talk about the reasons – is someone else repeatedly telling you that or do you feel that way all the time?
It is not necessary to determine if something qualifies as “abuse” or not. You always have the right to get out of a situation that you don’t want to be in. You do not need a good reason to move or leave.
It can be helpful to talk with people knowledgeable about abuse and safety planning if abuse may be part of the situation. There are some patterns that many abusive people follow, and experts can help you to identify and plan for those. For example, in abusive relationships, violence often escalates when the survivor tries to end or leave the relationship. Knowing this may help you plan a different way to move out than if there isn’t any abuse in your living situation.
Conclusion
People need other people. Some of us love living with other people. Some of us do it out of necessity. Some of us avoid it at all costs. Recognizing how experiences of trauma and trauma responses can impact our living situations, learning how to navigate communication, and being aware of abusive behavior can all help us to live together more easily.