As someone who has cried a lot during and after sex, I immediately checked out Sorry I Keep Crying During Sex by Jesse James Rose when I saw it at the library. Then I learned the author is trans/nonbinary and the book is also about dementia. It’s like it was made for me. The audiobook is beautifully read by the author.
Sorry I Keep Crying During Sex is on the surface about taking care of a family member with dementia and having sex after assault. More deeply it’s about being honest with ourselves and each other, healing, laughter, and memory.
This book has a lot of sex. Jesse James Rose documents the sex they have after assault. In the book this takes the form of narrative, grindr messages, plays, and more. This book gives one of the most accurate depictions of casual, app-facilitated sex that I’ve ever read. Some of the sex is incredible, some is awkward, sometimes sex doesn’t happen, sometimes it’s messy, and oftentimes there is crying. At one point, there’s a sex party, and the story includes descriptions of different roles people might take – like Coach at an orgy. It’s funny, sexy, and informative all together.
Throughout all of that, it’s also a story about when Jesse was living with their grandfather with dementia and also transitioning. Gender, grief, family, and memory are all important components of this book.
Part of what meant so much to me in this book is that the author also shares thoughts that I think many people have, but few people get to voice. Thoughts about sexual violence and intimacy. For example, at one point, they describe seeing pictures of the person who raped them with an acquaintance. They wonder why they were raped, and whether or not this person was. They think about how saying no creates the possibility of someone not respecting that no – of someone assaulting them. While they know the assault isn’t their fault, they still wonder about the different experiences of people who do get assaulted by someone and those who have consensual sex with the same assailant. They think that if they just hadn’t said no, and had gone along with what their assailant wanted, they wouldn’t have been hurt.
I really appreciated this scene. It is normal for survivors to think about what could have changed things, and why assault happened to them. We’re often discouraged from voicing all our questions because it’s important that we don’t blame ourselves. But I think we can hold perpetrators accountable, not blame survivors for what is done to us, and also think sometimes grizzly or gory thoughts about why us.
With casual sex with strangers, there are so many things that we don’t know. Would this person assault someone? Would they accept a no? What are they like if you spend more time with them? It’s normal to wonder about these things and at the same time have no interest in changing your behavior.
Having worked in survivor support fields for a very long time, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about hook-up culture, casual sex, and safer dating. Within mainstream organizations, and even many LGBTQ spaces, there is rarely an acceptance of the role that casual sex with strangers plays in many people’s lives. Often there’s somewhat a divide within queer (particularly gay men and gay men adjacent spaces) between “safety” and “casual sex.” And often, service providers or those who are creating safety resources, don’t really listen to people who have a lot of casual sex.
There are so many assumptions and stereotypes about people who have sex with a lot of different people (including wildly different ideas about what “a lot” is). Even in queer communities, monogamy is often glamorized and considered more romantic than non-monogamy. Sex is often considered frivolous, risky, or immoral. Sorry I Keep Crying During Sex is just one person’s experience, but it’s deeply personal, informative, caring, and funny. Listening to survivors is important. Believing people about their experiences and learning from them, rather than making assumptions or relying on stereotypes is so critical. That’s part of why this book felt like such a gift. Whether you see your life in Jesse’s life or not, this book is a powerful read.
I watched this interview with the author to refresh my mind before writing this review. One line really stood out. “We’re not okay, and we’re trying to find places where we can be.” This book reminded me that we don’t have to be okay to live our lives, that we can seek out places and experiences that move us more towards okay, while still hurting, and that’s okay.