Consent education often focuses on asking for consent and what is or is not consent. For example, consent is an enthusiastic yes – anything else is a no. It’s critical that people learn to communicate with each other – to be able to understand the differences between yes, no, maybe, not right now, and the thousand other ways that people may respond to questions.
It’s also important that we learn how to respond when we get told no. Sexual violence occurs when someone pressures or coerces a person to do something they don’t want to do. That could look like:
Sam asks Vee if they want to have sex.
Vee says, “I’m not sure.”
Sam gets sad and tells Vee that they must want to break up. Sam storms off.
This happens every single time that Vee says no.
Eventually Vee stops saying no in order to make Sam feel better, whether or not Vee wants to have sex.
Maybe Sam is intentionally manipulating Vee. Maybe Sam is completely unaware of the impact of their behavior and is caught up in their own feelings of rejection and shame. Maybe what’s happening includes both of those experiences. Either way, the result is that Vee is pressured into having sex. Vee faces hostility and the withdrawal of affection every time they hesitate or say no.
Accepting someone’s no doesn’t mean that you won’t experience feelings about the no. Self-doubt, feelings of rejection or loneliness, or shame are all human reactions that happen sometimes. We have to learn to balance attending to our feelings and reactions and examining the impact of our behavior on others.
The ways we react to smaller “no’s” from others communicate how we might react to bigger “no’s” later down the line.
A friend told me a story recently. They had an injury that was really bothering them and wanted to complain to their partner. “Can I show you my foot?” they asked. The partner said, “Absolutely not.” My friend felt hurt, sad, and frustrated. They were needing to process and get validation for their pain. The partner was not in a place to provide that.
My friend had choices. They could have kept asking their partner to look. They could have shown their partner how hurt they were to pressure their partner to change their mind. They could have given their partner the silent treatment to show they were mad. They also could have accepted the response of their partner. That’s what they decided to do. To process their feelings – both about the injury and the partner’s response – they took time to journal, get support from others, and feel their feelings.
Maybe being pressured to look at an injury doesn’t cause the same harm that being pressured to have sex can cause. But responding thoughtfully to what may seem like a small “no” helps build trust with the people in our lives that we can handle “no’s” about more sensitive or emotional topics.
Let’s look at another, non-sexual situation that happens often between friends.
Jonesy has been having a hard time. She texts her friend Steve frequently about her feelings and relies on his support. Steve recently said that he would be away on a romantic weekend and wouldn’t be able to text during that time. Feeling frustrated and abandoned, Jonesy stopped texting Steve completely, and she told another friend that Steve wasn’t invested in community care and couldn’t show up for people who needed him.
Many of us have strong feelings about the ways that we should show up for each other – we often want to be there for friends and to help out however we can. We also often need to set boundaries so that we can meet our own needs (in Steve’s case, for uninterrupted quality time with a partner). We don’t always put these two beliefs side by side. Sometimes our beliefs about offering care and setting boundaries feel like they contradict one another.
How do our expectations of others allow for them to have limits and their own unique needs and capacities? How do our expectations of ourselves allow for the same? Do we assume that others should offer help without us asking for it or do we expect people to always ask permission before sharing information or giving advice? Do other people know our expectations and are they the same?
In this situation, we might be coming up against both cultural assumptions and the emotions that come up when we’re told no.
I once was in the early stages of making a friend. She called me. I didn’t answer, but texted back, I can’t talk today – can we talk tomorrow?
Later I found out she was annoyed, because who couldn’t make ten minutes to talk? We both had different assumptions about building connections. Mine was that each of our personal time and capacity was sacred and not to be interfered with. Hers was that people make time for each other.
Put that way – we’re both right and both wrong. Or maybe it’s not really right and wrong, but these things can be true and can find ways to be in harmony with each other. We did not end up being friends. I could tell this tale and make one of us the villain or I could tell this tale and just know that we weren’t compatible as friends.
I want better ways for us all to be able to be told no and to respect that no. I also know that people’s situations and feelings can change. We may need to discern if “no” means “not right now” or “never” or “not that thing but something different.” The person stating the no may not even know which it is. In relationships (romantic or not) we may bring things back up – a specific kink, how often we talk to each other, what type of physical contact we like – throughout the course of the relationship. We have the responsibility to do the work of figuring out the differences between pressuring or harassing someone and bringing back up a certain topic.
As we do that, we will navigate those big feelings that can happen when we get told no. For example, when:
Your partner has not wanted to have sex for what feels like a long time.
Your boss tells you they won’t move forward with your idea.
Your friend says they can’t come over to help you after surgery.
Your roommate says they can’t deal with talking about chores right now.
We might feel rejection, jealousy, hurt, anger, frustration, betrayal, or any number of other things when someone tells us no. It is okay to acknowledge these feelings and have conversations about them. It is not okay to make it the other person’s responsibility to change your feelings by changing their boundaries.
Let’s look back at Sam and Vee.
Sam asks to have sex. Vee says no. Sam feels rejected, scared of losing their relationship. Sam is worried that Vee no longer thinks they are attractive because they’ve gained weight recently. In the past, this has led Sam to storm off and threaten to break up. Instead of doing that, Sam asks if there is another way they can feel connected with Vee.
Perhaps Vee offers to cuddle or watch a movie together. Perhaps Vee says that they don’t want intimacy right now, but maybe later. Sam accepts this.
The next day, at a time when physical intimacy isn’t on the table, Sam starts a conversation with Vee. Sam says they haven’t been feeling loved recently and are struggling with the lack of sex, but they don’t ever want to pressure Vee to have sex. Vee asks for some time to think. When Vee comes back to the conversation, they say they haven’t been wanting intimacy either, and realize they want to have a different type of relationship with Sam – one that doesn’t include sex. Vee assures Sam it has nothing to do with their body or the way that their body has changed. Vee does say that the ways Sam responded to being rejected before were not okay, and they’re glad Sam was able to have a conversation this time.
The change in relationship dynamics is hard and sad for both of them. However, they both agree it’s way better than staying together and having sex one of them didn’t want or the other one feeling rejected all the time.
How can we get there?
- Notice what’s happening. – Holy crap, these are big feelings!
- Are there stories you are telling yourself about what is happening? – I think I’m a monster. I’m sure they hate me. Everyone hates me, etc.
- Noticing without changing yet: what is my behavior? I’m withdrawn and not talking. I’m angry and slamming things, etc.
- How could this behavior be impacting others? – Does this person seem threatened or scared? Am I causing pain?
I write this in part because I wish that people who had pressured or coerced me had known how to accept my “no” sooner. And partly because I want us all to build skills so that we do not harm others.
Hopefully at some point in your life, someone has told you no. I like to think of being told no as a sign that someone trusts me. They trust me enough to tell me the truth – to not push through and fake a yes for me. That’s pretty amazing.