Sex can be any number of things – a fun thing to do, a way to connect with others or yourself, a release, a meaningful part of a relationship, an added bonus, a hobby, and so much more. It can add to our lives, whether it has intimate meaning or not. It can also bring challenges, fear, trauma reminders, and sometimes pain. Sex is not required for intimacy and romance, though for some people it’s important.
Sometimes sex is too much – maybe too much of a reminder of trauma, or too exhausting for your body, or too emotionally loaded, or just generally not wanted. We may not be having in-person sex with others due to COVID precautions, our location, or other needs.
Sex can bring up feelings of shame, disgust, joy, and confusion. Sex can be a complicated topic between people – whether it’s about the type of sex they have, how often, or with whom.
Sex can sometimes feel like an obligation – even if no one is pressuring us to have it. We might have a lot of expectations of what kind of sex we are supposed to have or how much sex we should have if we are in a relationship or not. While there is no right way to have sex or right amount of sex to have, that doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes feel internal or external pressure.
As our bodies and brains change across our lifetime, our relationship to sex can change too. Change can lead to big feelings. As a reminder to myself and everyone – change is okay. It’s also okay to be frustrated or disappointed by the changes.
In some situations, we may work to get back to how things were before. If we get injured, we might do physical therapy so that we can move the way we used to. If we experience trauma, we may want to recover in such a way that our life doesn’t change too much. Sometimes though, we can’t or don’t want to go back to how things were. Physical changes can lead to different connections with our bodies. Engaging in healing work can lead to us changing patterns that we didn’t used to be bothered by.
Sometimes though a person wants some of the things that sex can get us – physical release, connection, something to do when we’re bored, orgasm. So if you find that you’re not able or wanting to engage in sex the way you used to, but you still want some of the things that sex brings you, check out the lists below.
For physical release
- Clench all your muscles as hard as you can, then relax them
- Clench and relax your butt or pelvic floor
- Masturbate
- Dance to a song from your teenage years
- Wrestle someone, fully clothed
- Play tag
- Go for a run or walk
- Workout or take an exercise or self-defense class
- Change the water temperature in the shower
Many of these work because they give you physical endorphins, let you release energy or tire out your body. Clenching and relaxing your muscles replicates (in some small ways) what happens when someone orgasms, which can be especially useful when trying to fall asleep.
For specific sensations
- Light, fingertip touch – your own or someone else’s
- Tickling
- Wearing textures that feel nice (silk, leather, rubber, etc)
- Using warm or cold sensations such as ice, warmed clothes, chilled objects or wax
- Getting under a blanket, or if possible a weighted blanket
- Head massages or scratches
- Shaving or bathing yourself or someone else
Some of these activities may be associated with sex for you or others, but we can engage in them outside of sexual contexts or in addition to or in place of genital focused sexual contact. Stimulating our senses can help provide physical or emotional changes and can be a meaningful or fun shared (or solo) experience.
To feel sexy/have sexual stimulation that’s not physical
- Read or listen to erotica
- Write or draw fantasies
- Take a class on kink
- Talk to someone about sex
- Share your interests and fantasies
- Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy
- Phone or text sex
- Browse hook-up apps or chat with people on them
- Explore a cruising spot or sex party and just watch
- Shopping or browsing for sex equipment (in person or online, solo or with someone)
- Exploring how everyday objects could be used for sexy or sensation play – such as touching or talking about things around the house
For intimate connection
- Masturbate side by side
- Hold hands while lying in bed – listen to a book or music
- Massage each others’ hands
- Spoon like you were an octopus
- Sext
- Impact play, such as spanking or flogging (does not need to involve sex)
- Shibari or rope play
- Acts of service
- Braid, brush, or play with each others’ hair
- Have one person lie on top of the other
- Cook a meal together
- Feed each other
- Watch, consensually of course, someone else masturbate or have sex
Any of these activities can offer us a level of intimacy or connection with other people. This may be physical – helping us get our needs met of being in touch, literally, with one another. It may also be that we want intimacy – doing something unique and special with other people can help achieve that, even when bodies are not involved. These can be done with people you know already or with someone new. It is increasingly common for people to use hook-up apps for physical intimacy that isn’t specifically sex.