Once upon a time, in the early days of the internet, there were AOL chatrooms. In these chatrooms, people would meet people for virtual sex, which really just involved sexting (pre cell phone sexting). For many, this was an incredible opportunity to safely explore gender and sexuality. One could say they were anyone – any age, gender, size – and describe the sex they wanted to have. One could log off, end a chat, or block someone at any moment.
It wasn’t a utopia. Just as on the internet today, there were creeps, harassers, and people trying to exploit or harm others. But for many people there was also freedom and relative safety.
Today we have far less privacy online; there are fewer places for people to “practice” sex. What do we lose when we don’t get the space to try things with less risk of harm or violence? Many trans people found themselves online by creating profiles for their affirming gender – often even before they had language to describe themselves as trans or nonbinary. Other people learned about kinks, explored fantasies, and learned how to express what they want and don’t want. This kind of practice can be so valuable for our well-being.
Practice spaces aren’t just great for beginners, like many people who used those early chat rooms. They can also be healing spaces for people with trauma histories. Many people who have been assaulted have a difficult time having sex after violence. People disassociate, flashback to assaults, panic, struggle to express likes and dislikes, or have any number of other responses. Starting sexual relationships again can feel overwhelming. There may be risks with sex with others. Will they respond kindly if I cry? Will they be upset if we suddenly stop? Will they notice if I go numb? Will they hurt me too?
I like to imagine how we can create more spaces for us to practice things that feel overwhelming or hard for us. This practice goes beyond imagining what something might be like, by describing it or telling someone about it. For example, what if part of our healing practice after assault – for those who want it – could be to sext with someone. To have the chance, completely privately, to describe what we want, to stop and start as we want, to feel emotionally what it might be like to do what we want. The practice gives us control over the situation.
For some people, it can be helpful to practice having sex again (or doing whatever it is that we’re scared of). This can be done by sexting – on an app, with a partner, in a chat room, or solo through journalling or the like. That can give us a way to try out describing what we want, to imagine what it would be like, even to stop and start again – without having to be in person with anyone else.
Without AOL chat rooms, where can we go for these practice spaces?
- Hook-up apps/sexting strangers: One could set up a profile without identifying information, and express interest in chatting only. Connect with people who are interested in sexting.
- Journaling: While writing privately may take out some of the interactive element, it still gives practice describing what a person wants.
- Reading erotica/porn: One great thing about written porn is that you know no one was exploited in making it. Ethical video porn can be complicated or expensive to find. But pornographic stories are pure imagination. Read different stories to learn what feels good and what doesn’t. Are some scenes more engaging and others more stressful?
- Describing sex to someone you know: For those who have a friend, partner, fuck-buddy, or trusted person – describe, verbally, in writing, through pictures or charades – the sex you want to have. You could ask the other person to just listen or to interact. This can be done in a sexy or not sexy way.
- Do it clothed. Try out a position or a toy in a non-sexual environment. This could be by yourself or with someone else.
- Take a class. Many classes on sex, kink, and relationships exist, both virtually or in-person. These are often non-sexual learning environments.
- Volunteer at parties or clubs or dungeons. Volunteering can reduce the pressure or expectation of participation while still allowing us to watch, learn, and in some ways be involved.
- People may find events through networking sites like Fetlife, through sex toy shops, or through munches or Leather communities.
- Take online quizzes, fill out “yes, no, maybe” lists, or look through other guides on kinks and interests. Two recommended options are
- Library books – you may or may not be surprised by the amount of erotica you can find at a library.
- Watching Lives on hookup apps or tiktok
- Play red light/green light during sex or physical activity. Take turns with the people you are with saying stop or go to get practice saying yes and no and practice listening to yes and no.
Trauma responses might come up during any of this. Consider how you want to care for yourself. Can you notice if you dissociate? Do you have strategies to come back to your body – if that’s what you want? Do you have ways to release anxiety or slow a panic attack? Do you want people to check on you? Do you have a way to care for yourself afterwards? Sometimes negative feelings can come up much later on. Practicing something may help you to become more aware of:
- When or how your trauma responses show up
- Tools for coping or grounding that are beneficial for you
- Ways to decrease the intensity of trauma responses
- What you like and dislike
- How you want to communicate
- And so much more….
